365 Days of Twins: Who needs bathtubs?

This is not how you want your bathroom to look at 6:45am. See the phone, just ready to dial the plumber? It's ready! Didn't get used, though. Whew.

I'll dedicate this to Bryan. Bryan would, way back in high school, occasionally have to "Shake the Angry Fist" at other drivers on the road if they wronged him. It involved a cranky old man face and much motion, and it always made me laugh, so I've had to borrow it a few times. I've shaken the angry fist at broken airplanes, cabinets I've hit my head on, the dog, Jen (while she's sleeping), and many others who have offended me.

Here, our shower bears the terrible brunt of my latest Shaking of the Angry Fist.

Here we have an overhead shot. You can see that the hot water handle is clearly out to lunch. Also: see a striking image of my crotch reflected in the faucet.

Let me start off by saying that I got up early so I could go to work early so I could get my navigation script done, which is grossly overdue. My plans went afoul shortly after my shower had ended when I found that I couldn't end my shower. A part of the hot water faucet (the "valve stem", for those of you inclined to plumb in your leisure) had had enough of life and spontaneously disintegrated.

Thanks to the manner of disintegration and thanks to the calicified marriage of many parts of the faucet, this fix was much more of a headache than a standard replacement of the seat washer.

In the course of things, I spent a bit of time on the internet trying to fumble my way through this fix, and I found some glaring omissions in your average "fix-it" type page. Let me illustrate by the amazing method of example. Here is an excerpt from some crap I found online:

4. Using a smooth-jawed wrench or a pair of adjustable pliers, take out the retaining nut. Don't damage this nut.

5. Put the handles back into position, and use them to twist off the remaining stem assembly. If you see any worn threads, get new ones.

6. Take a look at the valve seat, which is the hole where the stem assembly sits. A rusted valve seat should be replaced.

Wow! Any moron could accomplish this task! Still, I felt like I could improve a bit. Here it is again with my changes:

4. Using a smooth-jawed wrench or a pair of adjustable pliers, take out the retaining nut. Don't damage this nut further than it already is, because, since your house was built in 1912, this nut is just one more stripped wrench away from crumbling into a pile of copper shavings.

5. Put the handles back into position, and use them to twist off the remaining stem assembly. If the stem assembly does not come willingly, put both feet on the wall to brace yourself and pull, dammit, pull! There's every reason to believe that this probably won't work. Spend 25 minutes jamming a screwdriver into the valve housing to try and break up calcium deposits. Refresh yourself by dunking your head in the toilet since that's your only source of fresh water at this point. Repeat.

6. Take a look at the valve seat, which is the hole where the stem assembly sits. The valve seat should look like a little cup, but in your case it probably looks like a copper factory after a pipe-bomb went off. Pull all the little bits out of the faucet casing, then spend another 25 minutes wondering how to get away with not buying a new valve stem ($30) while the kids cry bloody murder.

Hit me back, Bob Vila. I know you're watching and desperately want my advice. Seriously, somebody needs to do a do-it-yourself site that has all possible contingencies written right there in the step-by-step.

Thanks to this uninvited project, I barely saw the kids. You want updates about the kids? Sorry, just plumbing anecdotes from me. I'd ask Jen, but she's checked out for the night. Which is where I'm headed.

Day one hundred and twenty nine.